


I've lost control, please save me from myself

by Hufflepuff_Donkey



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Angst, Gen, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 20:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10647159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hufflepuff_Donkey/pseuds/Hufflepuff_Donkey
Summary: Connor can't deal with the pressure anymore and leaves the flat he shares with Oliver to go for a walk.





	I've lost control, please save me from myself

“I’m going out!”, Connor yelled, grabbing his keys from the bowl near the door.

Oliver’s head peeked out from behind the bathroom door. His hair was wet from the shower.

“What?” he said, looking confused.

“I won’t be long, I promise”, Connor added.

“It’s almost midnight, where are you going?”

Connor tried to smile. He only half succeeded.

“Don’t worry”, he said, trying to sound reassuring. “I’ll be back soon. I just… we’ve got exams coming up, you know, and Laurel has a few things she needs help with before the test tomorrow. See you later!”

Without giving Oliver the time to reply, he disappeared through the flat door, leaving his boyfriend standing there, wet and speechless.

 

Connor didn’t let the tears come up until he had turned around the corner and could be sure Oliver wouldn’t see him through the window. He didn’t stop walking when the sobs became so violent he had to put his hand on his mouth to stifle a cry. He just went on and on, through the dimly lit and empty streets. The wind was blowing through his messy hair and his coat wasn’t buttoned up properly. In a few minutes he would start being cold, and if the wind didn’t stop he’d soon be freezing. He didn’t care about that. He had to let out the pain that had been nagging him for so long. The pain all of them, he thought, were going through. The pain Annalise had brought upon them. It was all HER fault. It was her fault Wes had killed Sam, it was her fault Sam’s DNA was all over Connor’s car, which she now used to blackmail him into silence. It was her fault he couldn’t be honest with Oliver. Connor would kill her if she ended up ruining his relationship. He knew he was capable of killing, and that was what scared him the most. The things he’d done to cover up all those murders were horrible, and he hated himself and Annalise for putting him through all that. But the worst thing was, everything that had happened had shown him that he was capable of killing someone. His emotions were driving him crazy. He was losing it. Sometimes he considered checking himself into a psych ward. Maybe that would put an end to all this. And maybe, maybe, it would make Annalise stay away from him and Oliver.

He knew that was impossible, of course. Annalise would never leave him alone. He knew too much. She couldn’t possibly let him go without making sure he’d never disclose what she’d done. What all of them had done. They were all involved somehow. And they would all go to jail if the truth was revealed. Connor didn’t want to go to jail. He couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Oliver. And the fact that he was gay wouldn’t exactly be an asset once he set foot in prison.

Connor had been wandering aimlessly through streets he’d never seen for what seemed forever. He suddenly realized he had no idea where he was and stopped. He sat down on a low wall and breathed deeply in and out a few times. His cheeks were wet from the tears.

The street was empty. Connor tried to catch his breath and ran his hands through his hair. His eyes were filled with tears but he wasn’t sobbing anymore.

He looked up. Most windows were still lit, and occasionally he’d see a shadow behind curtains. Fire escapes were wound around the buildings that were surrounding him, climbing up to -

The roof.

Connor stood up and crossed the street. He easily got access to the nearest fire escape and began climbing the stairs. Nothing mattered anymore. He was on his own. Annalise was blackmailing him, the rest of the Keating 5 hated him. Oliver was far away in the flat and probably didn’t care. Everyone was lying to everyone and Connor didn’t know nor care about what was real anymore. He couldn’t take it. He just couldn’t.

He was on the roof now. He looked around, at the city lights, at the cars full of people that were driving through the night. Those people didn’t know what it felt like. They had never carried a dead body through the woods and then burnt it to destroy evidence. They had never shot anybody. They didn’t know, and they’d never understand.

Connor moved to the edge of the building and looked down. Carefully. He was at least ten floors high. That was enough. Enough to make it all stop. Enough to kill him. Another death on his conscience. But he wouldn’t have to live with that anymore. If he jumped now he was free. Annalise would never go to the police and tell them he’d moved her husband’s body in his car. No one would know. And even if they knew - he’d be gone. He wouldn’t have to go to jail and live with the shame and the guilt.

Connor wished he could have told Oliver the truth. Or even just goodbye. Why hadn’t he thought of even just looking into his eyes before leaving? Of telling him one last time that he loved him? Oliver would never understand why he did it. But that was okay. All Connor wanted right now was to make it stop. Everything. He was done with the secrets, the murders, the blood on his hands.

He didn’t notice that someone was running down the street towards the building. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. This was the only solution. The only thing he could do to save both himself and Oliver. He had to.

Connor opened his arms and looked at the stars one last time.

“I guess that’s goodbye”, he said.

 

“Connor!”

He turned around. His eyes were red and his hair was even messier than when he’d left the flat.

“Ollie…” he whispered in a shaky voice.

Oliver was standing about ten feet behind him. He was panting, and Connor noticed his eyes were a bit watery.

“Connor, please… don’t - don’t do that. Please”, Oliver said.

“Go away”, Connor said. “Please, just go.”

Oliver reached out to his boyfriend.

“Don’t do that”, he said again. “I love you. Connor, please. Step back. I’m begging you, Connor, I -”

Oliver’s voice broke. Connor looked at the street way under him, then back at his boyfriend.

“Ollie, I can’t - I can’t go on like this, I -”

“I’m here for you, Connor”, Oliver said. He was crying. “You’re not alone. I can help you, if you let me. Connor, let me help you, please…”

Connor looked up, taking a deep breath.

Eventually, he stepped back from the edge of the roof and flung his arms around Oliver’s neck, sobbing uncontrollably. Oliver hugged him tight.

“Thank you…” he whispered. “I’m always here for you, Connor. I love you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too”, Connor uttered. “Thank you, I… I just… Thank you, Ollie.”

They didn’t say another word for a long time. Later that night, they took a taxi back to their flat, holding each other close. Oliver knew all this was far from over, but he’d saved Connor tonight and that was enough for now.


End file.
